Thursday, September 10, 2009

Not this time.

Getting my period has never carried so much psychological weight.  I am not pregnant. 
I am so bummed and sad.  And along with the tears come cramps, a sore back
and a bloody reminder that no baby. Not this time. 

Jason remains so positive and says we have to get back on the horse. 
I fall into a helpless abyss and take a nap (something I never do and quite frankly judge myself for doing it).
Not this time.   

And it seems the day that it feels so far away is the day where everywhere I turn there is a reminder that everyone  on the planet has a child, or is going to have a child or is telling me to have a child. 
Amazon sent me an email today asking if I want to order a years worth of Pregnancy Magazine. 
My best friend asked me to join her for lunch with her two kids. 
And my neighbors, you know the ones, Cindy and Sandy, come over as if they have a "radar for the absurd" attached to their head and say to me, "now that you have a beautiful yard, you need to have babies."  

We just landscaped our yard. We saved money for two years.  Hired a very talented Englishman to design it.  Hired the guys to demolish the previous yard. Hired other guys to plant and put in new sprinklers.  Hired other guys to build and paint a fence.  Four weeks later -- we have a yard.   It's beautiful. Drought tolerant while still having grass.  Cindy and Sandy and their friend, Diego (seen in photo) are very excited about all the green and I assume we will be seeing even more of them because we have a yard that's soft and colorful, while theirs is hard and concrete.  I'm happy to share. 

It's amazing that during the course of one day, the world can feel like it's full of deep despair and by the end of that day, it becomes a little more hopeful, with green grass growing, 
water fountains trickling and a bird washing itself in a bath. 

At the end of this really crappy day, in this new yard, despite my well-meaning,  inquisitive ten year old twin neighbors,  I am finding some peace and happiness.

Note to Self:  If you need to take a nap, take it.    


  1. Your right if you need to take a nap take it. I am sorry that you got your period. You will remain in my prayers that God does what is needed for you and your husband.

  2. I never had any children -- not by choice -- so I understand how you feel! I will continue to pray that you do not get your period. And I believe that YOUR dreams WILL come true.

  3. Of course nap! There's no other word right now for this time other than it "sucks". I swear whenever I was trying, every woman I saw had a baby-bump and just drove the point home that I did NOT. I finally quit trying to figure out what I was supposed to be "learning" through all the waiting. Patience? Maturity? telling. All I know (KNOW) is your child is preparing for you just as you are for him/her. And use the bleachers quote all you want. Might want to include turkey basters, standing on your head, etc...the advice is endless! :-) Glad it made you laugh. You are meant to be a mom. Some of us just have to wait (for some reason!!!).