Thursday, March 22, 2018

Time is Soup

How does this work?  Hmmm...let's see. I sit down.  Push aside the fear that I'm unworthy.  That I'm not interesting.  Push aside, with my right foot, my husky, Wiley, who wants to go for a walk.  "Wait twenty minutes, boy, we'll go.  We will go."   I push aside every small voice that lives inside of me.  That tells me what's the point?  Why do it?  But inside me there are other voices (not I'm not crazy, we all have them, just close your eyes, and breathe) that permeates my psyche on a daily basis.   You have to keep writing.  It's what gets you through the worst of times and the best of times.   Don't deny yourself that right.  Don't deny even that one person who may read this, your words.  Just sit down and do it.

I've been on a long journey.  It started in 2009 when I published my first book NOTE TO SELF: 30 WOMEN ON HARDSHIP, HEARTBREAK AND HUMILIATION, and I started writing in this blog.
Since then I've published another book, sold a screenplay, directed some things and the biggest and best of all, birthed two beautiful and amazing children.  Ruby and Boone.

Last year we picked up our family and moved to Park City, Utah from Los Angeles, CA.  From sun to snow.  Sand to Pines.  Sea to Ski.   It was the hardest thing I've ever done.   I left behind the most beautiful tribe of women. My tribe. The tribe.  Tribe of my life.  Tribe of many lives.  Many lives many masters.  These women  have been the bedrock of my life through near death moments, first moments of life and everything in between.  How does a woman verging on 50 with two small children, a loving husband, and two energetic huskies, leave everything she knows behind and start again?  You just fucking do it.  That's how.   I'm just  beginning.  Of what?  Who's to say.  But it's the beginning.  Or maybe I'm in the middle.  Or maybe time is just soup.  A big bowl of soup.

So here I am. Back to writing. Sharing my shame.  Loving my life.  Terrified each and every day of whatever.  I'm just gonna write about it.  

Soldier on, let's do this.


Friday, July 25, 2014

You're never going to believe this, but…..

Ruby is 2 and happy!
Hi.  I have some crazy ass news to share.
For anyone who has read my blog,  this is going to come as a surprise….
I'm pregnant and due to give birth to a baby boy any minute.   Now, given that I gave birth to Ruby two years ago, it doesn't seem like getting pregnant should be that big a deal, BUT, Ruby took six years, and thousands of dollars and four different doctors and IVF.
This time, it happened the good ole fashioned way on the night of my birthday.   I am 46.   Halle Berry watch out.

The pregnancy has been incredibly stress free, except the first trimester where I was on high alert because of my age, but somehow, miraculously, I have beaten the odds, and so has this little boy spirit who wants to come and play with his sister and add joy to this household.

We have named him "Boone"….after my great uncle x 5,  Daniel Boone (the guy who founded Kentucky, among other things).
Truthfully I've been living in a state of disbelief and utter shock and awe by the miracle of this pregnancy given that I was told over and over again that I would never have a child with my own eggs.  But I wanted to share it with who ever  happens to read this and tell you that Miracles do happen.!  I'm humbly on my knees in gratitude and truthfully scared shitless!!


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I'm here.  I'm mothering. I'm writing.
I'm worried. I'm peaceful. I'm tired.  I'm grateful. I'm craving dark chocolate. Nothing has changed.
Ruby is almsot 9 months old and as God as my witness it feels like yesterday that she came into this world.  The depths of sadness that will wash over me when I come to understand that her life is going to whizz by, like the A train in NYC, is almost too much to take.  It's all going too fast.  I love being her mother. I love taking her to play dates.  To the park.  She loves to swing.  She crawls. She pulls herself up.
She is perfect. It stops me in my tracks to say those words. I'm a mother.  What?  And a daughter. And a wife. A sister. A friend.
My breasts are full.  I must go pump!!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

the price we pay for unadulterated love.

Ruby Marie is three months and three days.   The summer has been long and hot and we've survived it with flying colors with the help of our friends and family, of course.  The village aspect is alive and well and I highly recommend getting one if your'e going to have a baby.

She's been through three LA earthquakes, attended Friday night Jazz at Los Angeles County Museum of Art, twice, eaten out A LOT, had a few girls nights in, and has made me smile so hard and so much that my face hurts.

She sleeps 8-9 interrupted hours a night, breastfeeds like a champ, loves to go on hikes, loves her dogs, and all her aunties, and I think she said  "Hi" the other day.

I know it's hard to imagine, but we are in love.  She's sweet, smart and just so happy to be here.

I've lost my vision, my hair and my ability to hold my pee, but she's worth it.

Everyone said the minute you meet your child all the pain and hardship that we experienced getting here, would go away.  They were right.  The spirit, the body, and the mind have all worked in concert to orchestrate forgetting all of that stuff so we can be present and enjoy NOW.  It's yet another great lesson in being present.

Gratitude abounds in this household, day in and day out.



Wednesday, July 18, 2012

No, really she's' a genius

I didn't think it would happen, but it has.  I absolutely am one of those parents that believe my child is a genius and she's only a month and two days old....and it's not just me that believes, it was confirmed the other day in the Pediatricians' office.  Not only is she smiling at me, just because she is happy, not because she has gas, but she's also tracking the dangly things we hang over head that have black and white spots on them.   AND to top it off, she rolled over in the Docs office when we went in for her check up.  While the doctor was showing us how to do tummy time, Ruby went from her stomach to her back.   My friend said, "it's because she's being raised by dogs, that she can roll over so fast".  Very funny.  Yes, that's it.  That and she's a GENIUS.  Her doctor actually was surprised and a little taken aback because Ruby almost rolled onto her stethoscope and then right off the table. She warned us that since we have a very strong girl on our hands and "advanced" :)  to not leave her on a surface unattended.   No more running to get that thing I left in the other room for five seconds, or run and pee because I can't hold it, and have peed on my leg,  since childbirth, or turning my back on her for one second.    Just as I was getting comfortable putting her down at all, now it's all about her flinging herself off the bed etc. Not that she's rolled over since, but  okay, okay I get it.  All that time she was in my womb I would talk to her and tell her that she is smart. She is strong.  She is healthy.   It's amazing.  I guess she actually listened.

Note to Self:  Don't be careful what you wish for.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Ruby Marie Buchanan Berkin is here!

We are tickled pink, over the moon, swelling with gratitude, smiling every second of every day to meet our baby girl, Ruby.  She is healthy. She is strong. She is perfect.  She looks just like Jason.  I went into Labor on June 15th at midnight and she was born 17 hours later :) at 7:10 pm on June 16th.  She was worth every push and painful contraction.  It was such a profound and beautiful experience, one that I will never forget.   I had my tribe of women in the room, five closest girlfriends and sister, our Birthing Doula and Jason by my side holding my hand, coaching me every step of the way. And the incomparable Dr. Crane, who is worshipped by legions of women in LA, and now I know why.  There were lots of tears, dancing, bouncing on a big blue ball, standing in showers, throwing up, laughing, chanting, singing, cursing and finally after an hour of pushing, I was able to reach down and pull her out of my hoo-hoo (that's code for vagina) and onto my chest.  The first sight of her was heart exploding, mind melding, other worldly.  If you had told me aliens delivered her to me, I would have believed you because the other story, that I grew her in my belly and pushed her out of my vagina, and then pulled her onto my chest with my bare hands seemed just as unlikely.    Pregnancy has been a wonderful experience, but now that I think about it, it was mostly conceptual.  The kicks, the hiccups, the pictures of Ruby on the ultra sound were all real,  but the idea of her and what she would look like, how she would move, what it would feel like to touch her, and smell her skin was a concept.  Not anymore.  She's here.  And it's our job to keep her alive and watch her grow.  Another "concept" I'm slowly wrapping my head around.   To think that after five years of wanting, trying, praying, crying, and now we have this beautiful baby girl, well is just about the best way to wake up everyday that I could imagine.  The tears are still coming, but they are filled with Joy and a few moments of self doubt and fear, but so far I can handle those.   We are committed to staying close to home for the first six weeks of her life.  Today is the start of week three.  I'm basically a milking machine, and walking around our house in a breastfeeding daze.
The dogs are doing great, a little bit of an adjustment, but so far they are handling it.  By the way, I still love my dogs as much as I did before Ruby arrived, maybe even a little more.  Whew what a relief.

Angela, Thank you for the perfect burp clothes. I LOVE THEM!!!!

I'll write more soon.